After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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