did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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