Tell her she can't have a vagina
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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