and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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