Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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