Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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