yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
