I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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