I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
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I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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