Your face is a jimmy john
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
