I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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