ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
