There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
