Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just took my morning after pill in the library
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
