i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
