I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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