Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
