i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
