he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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