I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
