Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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