Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"