Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.