o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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