I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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