I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
