i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
