Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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