I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
