theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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