I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
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...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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