I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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