You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
