Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
