ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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