Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
