Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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