I think I won the penis lottery.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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