Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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