I intend to get homeless drunk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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