I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
