He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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