Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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