My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
