I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
