i permit you to call me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Randomize
