dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
