I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
