I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize