I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
