A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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