Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
