i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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