I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
