My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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