I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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