I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
