Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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