Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
