Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
