She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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