my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
