omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
